“So, when are you going to grow up?” A lady asked me at a gathering with mutual friends. I had just learned how to surf, saw an active volcano, and healed my trauma from being excessively bullied. The surfing made me feel free; the active volcano signaled a new beginning, and the healing lifted a massive trauma off my shoulders. These feelings made my inner child happy.
I was expressing this pure joy like a child giddy with happiness. Unfortunately, my joy came crashing down when I learned people would not be happy with your happiness. That lady did not only ask me when I would “grow up,” she did it with a condescending tone. She spoke to me as if you would talk to an actual child. I tried to brush off being offended; I had a tough time brushing off feeling guilt for not having “grown up” yet.
That moment stuck with me for a while. I started questioning myself. Do I need to grow up? Do I need to settle down from these travels? Am I done living like a free-spirited hippie? Of course, I could have emotionally overreacted to these questions: this lady doesn’t know anything about life, she doesn’t know how to have fun, blah blah blah. And, for a few moments, I did. I was not going to continue to give the lady that spiritual satisfaction by acting like a child.
I thought about what she said more reasonably. I thought about what she meant by “growing up.” She implied growing up as settling down, getting married, buying a house, having kids, getting a career, etc. These are all things I intentionally avoided because I am learning too much about myself and much happier living a different life than society has defined.
I believe I was finished thinking about this interaction. I was not going to “grow up” anytime soon. Yet, that interaction kept haunting me. “Why do I care so much about what this lady thinks?”
After deep introspection, I realized I got offended and felt guilty by being spoken to like a child because I acted like a petulant child. It made me start pondering what it means to “grow up.” I knew I would not settle down anytime soon; I did not love myself enough to love other people, definitely not love kids, and most importantly, I was learning too much about myself to stop being a free-spirited hippie. So I thought about growing up in a different sense.
These reflections led to a great insight the first night I spent in my van in Australia. It made me think about responsibility. Before, I had a lot of external motivators and pressures; I could blame my circumstances and other people. Now, I was all alone, living in a van in a different country. I had nothing left to blame; I could not rely on anyone to save me. I was fully responsible for anything and everything that happened to me.
I was surprised this energy came up because I was excited to live like a free-spirited hippie without responsibilities. I did not take on any external commitments. Instead, I started taking responsibility for my internal state and my behaviors. I began to have an actual night routine to close out the energies for the day and set my intentions for the next day. I traded waking up and scrolling my phone for meditating, journaling, and expressing gratitude. I started eating healthier, drinking more water and getting enough sleep. These small behaviors led to a more satisfying internal state of mind and made me feel like I was “growing up.”
I took this growth a step further. Instead of trying to find the “perfect” place to go or the “perfect” activity to do, I focused on the energy I brought to a place. I became more intentional about what I wanted out of each experience. What did I want to learn? How did I want to grow? Why was I engaging in this activity?
Finally, I traded depending on meeting good people for being good myself. I started each conversation with a smile, actively tried to understand the people I spoke with, and pushed my comfort zone to give people a big hug goodbye. “Grown-ups” should give each other hugs more often.
Regardless of how seemingly insignificant, these behaviors made me feel like I was taking responsibility for myself and everything that happened. I knew I would enjoy journeying more with a better internal state, enjoy my interactions more by bringing positive energy, and, most importantly, grow more by being intentional with my development.
I realized “growing up” is not having a career, getting married, buying a house, etc. “Growing Up” is taking responsibility for yourself and everything that happens to you. I think back to that conversation with that lady quite a bit. I have no animosity toward her; I see her as a guardian teaching me a valuable lesson. I learned my lesson about responsibility and “grew up.”
Still, regardless of how “grown up” or responsible I become, I will always be a child at heart.
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