I am a perfectionist. I feel that everything has to be done completely correctly, so naturally, I’m nervous writing this. Thinking about posting this and people reading it is frightening to me because of my tendency to engage in excessive self-criticism. It is so easy to focus on what you could have done better, instead of simply enjoying what you did well. Here goes.
Sidenote: This was my first official blogpost.
Being a natural perfectionist, I thought my intentions were to do everything properly. Over time, I realized that this wasn’t the case; instead, I was trying to avoid mistakes, mess-ups, and failures. My fear of criticism was causing this. It began as a fear of external criticism but I soon realized my biggest fear was self-criticism. I realized my actions were no longer enjoyable. They were simply to avoid self-criticism and fill the void it brought into my life. This void existed because my self-criticism problems made everything feel empty.
What is Self-Criticism?
We are continually judging ourselves with an internal dialogue. We take in information from our environment and other people on what works and what does not work. We then use this information to fine-tune how we act and who we are (like a servomechanism and self-image).
A healthy internal dialogue includes some self-criticism because everyone needs some negative feedback. A person may use the internal dialogue with a healthy dose of self-criticism to evaluate his or her own behavior and find what not to do based on cues from the environment and others. The healthy self-criticism helps the person use negative feedback to correct course and perform better in the future.
However, the healthy self-criticism can shift to excessive self-criticism. Dr. Dolan Shahar, author of Erosion: The Psychopathology of Self-Criticism said “Self-Criticism is a tendency to set unrealistically high self-standards and to adopt a punitive, derogatory stance toward the self once these are not met.” Instead of using negative feedback to adjust course, excessively self-critical people drown themselves with excessive negative feedback, which destroys further performance and happiness.
The Swimmer Analogy
While thinking about this concept, interesting analogies came to mind. Analogies are enjoyable because they allow you to teach others by connecting ideas that initially seem incompatible. I believe analogies are the best way to help people learn.
Think of a competitive swimmer in the ocean. In the beginning, his satisfaction is the simple process of giving his best effort and being present. This is how we all enter the world. We all start off curious and naturally enjoying what we are doing. As he keeps swimming he starts to make a few mistakes. At first, he brushes them off, but as the mistakes accumulate, he berates himself and the weight begins to increase.
Imagine self-criticism as a weight chained to the swimmer. Every time the swimmer is self-critical for any mishap, like swimming too slowly or bumping into a reef, with thoughts such as “I will never swim fast enough” or “I can’t believe I hit that reef, I am so uncoordinated,” the weight becomes more burdensome.
The swimmer, with all this extra weight attached to him, can no longer enjoy the process of swimming. He is now simply staying afloat. He is merely trying to survive. While attempting to stay afloat, the swimmer has set extremely high expectations, such as swimming 20 miles a day. This added weight has caused him to feel the need to continually do more and he has forgotten why he decided to swim in the first place.
How Self-Criticism Ruins Happiness
Many of us are like the swimmer. Many extremely successful people are like the swimmer. They are so self-critical that they feel the need to have outstanding results. Yes, some of them do attain superb results such as wealth, power, and fame but at what cost? If you ask them if they’re happy, their response will inevitably be, “I will be after this happens,” or, “If this changes, then I will be happy”. After they achieve the next goal, the bar is raised because self-criticism causes the most recent accomplishment to feel inadequate. This is because with self-criticism problems nothing ever feels as if good enough; it never feels like enough, so we start to believe it actually isn’t enough.
This is the void that is created. We think we are taking actions to becoming happier when we are actually just fighting to stay afloat. We need these accomplishments to feel better about ourselves. It might take the pressure off of us for a moment, but it is not actually making us happy. It is less of a negative, but that does not make it a positive.
My Issues With Self-Criticism
I once believed self-criticism helped me by serving as a motivator. I felt it kept me in check; I realize that’s all it did. I was avoiding mistakes, but was I living though? Sure, I didn’t do anything wrong, but did that mean I was doing anything right? Many people believe, as I once did, that self-criticism is a necessary motivational tool. I disagree. There is a difference between a healthy sense of self-acceptance, realizing there are areas we can grow in and mistakes we can learn from, and self-criticism, being harsh on ourselves for having flaws or making mistakes. Self-acceptance is a healthy alternative.
I’ve learned it’s normal to struggle and we all mess up sometimes. These moments are crucial for learning and offer the greatest opportunities for growth. So I’m learning to accept life and enjoy the process of what I am doing. Having happiness in the present moment versus believing I need something more.
Conclusion
I always thought “How do I overcome self-criticism”
I always wondered, “where does self-criticism come from?” For me it came from the intense pressure I put on myself to perform.
Then I thought, “How do I overcome self-criticism?” I had to remove the source, so I let go of perfectionism and the excessive pressure I put on myself, and now I am learning because it’s enjoyable, instead of studying because I needed terrific grades. I am running for the peace of mind it brings me, instead of running to avoid getting fat. I am focusing on what I want to happen in life, instead of avoiding all that I don’t want to happen. I am enjoying the process of doing what makes me happy.
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