On April 10th, 2015, my life completely changed as a rough breakup dropped me into a deep depression. Suppressing my emotions, excessively criticizing myself, and being intensely bullied throughout my life caused negative/dark energy to build in me. I was on the precipice of being severely depressed at some moment in my life; it was just a matter of time before some event tipped me over the ledge, causing me to plunge into the darkness.
I knew this depression was more than an extended bout of sadness. I felt this extreme internal pain like a chainsaw destroying my insides. I felt the hatred of the universe constantly weighing me down. I felt empty, like there was no point in life. Worst of all, I felt trapped in a black hole, shrouded in darkness with no way out.
With no end in sight, I suffered repeated thoughts about suicide. Taking a knife to my stomach seemed the only way to escape this pain. I repressed those suicidal thoughts because I could not imagine the grief that would bring my family. They are the only reason I am still alive.
Surviving that first year was a living hell. I could not eat properly for 3-4 months. I would starve all day and lose my appetite after eating 2-3 bites. Most days, that’s all I ate. I also felt my heart pounding like it was trying to break out of my chest. My blood pressure constantly hovered around 175/120 – about when you should consult a physician. Worst of all, I could not sleep properly for the first ten months. I would lay in bed wrestling with this internal despair for a few hours before finally falling asleep, wishing I would never wake up. I woke up every morning with panic attacks that made it difficult to get myself out of bed; I would just lay there for hours, lifeless.
The intense inner darkness shook me to my core. I was overwhelmed with constantly feeling extreme discomfort, insecurity, sadness, and fear at the same time. I kept begging for it to stop, for this pain to leave me alone, praying I would become free from this darkness. Eventually, I promised myself I would get better. Regardless of how much effort it took, I would never feel this pain again. Knowing what I do now, I wish I had made a different proclamation. At the time, I thought I intended to get better, grow, and improve. Instead, I planned never to feel negative emotions again because I became so scared of them during my depression. Unfortunately, these intentions led to some (a lot of) unhealthy avoidance behaviors.
The first year, I started overthinking every tiny detail. Living in my head became a refuge from facing the darkness within. I focused all my energy on reading books, watching psychology videos, and absorbing self-help principles. I believed that I would start living after I learned enough of these life concepts. But, instead of ever applying these lessons, I would play out this pattern:
I used overthinking disguised as “learning about life” because my depression made me so scared to ever feel pain again. But, looking back, I understand that consuming knowledge was a numbing mechanism.
Unhealthy Behavior #1: Numbing myself to pain
My numbing techniques got worse as I started binge drinking on the weekends. Blacking out and losing control was the easiest way to dull my inner turmoil, but that strategy never had a happy ending. After most nights out, I aggressively threw up when I got home.
While aggressively vomiting hurt physically, it was much less painful than dealing with my internal issues emotionally. But, of course, it only made my internal matters worse. I was already waking up with panic attacks and inner despair, and now I also had a hangover. This cycle happened more frequently than I like to admit. I never wanted to feel that pain and numbed myself with alcohol to avoid it.
Even with these issues, I was making little bits of progress toward feeling better. In the second year of my depression, I normally ate again, fell asleep most nights, only had 4-5 panic attacks a week, and, most importantly, quit drinking. My small bits of progress made me feel ready to move on from overthinking and start applying the self-help lessons in life. I did neither; instead, I found a different numbing mechanism: obsessively journaling out activities from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), self-help books, and online happiness courses. I was still overthinking, trapped in my head, and numbing. However, now I was overthinking in a more structured manner than the haphazard analysis I was doing before. I embraced a new pain-avoidance mindset: “If I journal these activities long enough, I will never feel that pain again.
Journaling those activities helped me make significant progress. In the third and fourth years of my depression, I was feeling better. I was down to only two panic attacks a week, I had brought my blood pressure down to a healthy range, and I had been alcohol-free. I felt ready to move on from my overthinking and into living life. I did not want an everyday life. No, I wanted an extraordinary life where everything was perfect. I did not imagine perfection as this great beautiful life; I imagined perfection as having no negative feelings.
Unhealthy Behavior #2: Trying to “be perfect” by eliminating all negatives
Trying to be perfect led me to experiment with psychedelics and attend silent meditation retreats and other exciting antics. I used psychedelics to help me eliminate that inner darkness by seeing the light of consciousness. I participated in the silent meditation retreats to help reduce my overthinking and better control my emotions. Looking back, I wanted to eliminate all my negative thoughts and become emotionless.
Regardless of my perfectionistic intentions, I always felt euphoric after these journeys. I had never felt this before, so I assumed I was free from my depression; however, the euphoria quickly disappeared after a few weeks. Even with the euphoria dissipating, I was making significant progress; however, I was still running around in circles to avoid feeling the old pain from my depression. As a result, I would often dip back into the same thought patterns and behaviors I worked so hard to avoid.
Unhealthy Behavior #3: Running from the pain of the depression
Even with the dips, I was doing much better than before. Years 5 and 6 brought me everything I thought I wanted. Internally I stopped having panic attacks, was free from extreme negative emotions, and had the fulfillment of launching a happiness website. I also got everything that I was conditioned to want, like great pay as a software engineer, partying with friends, and organizing sports events for my religious community. So why was I not happy? Why did I still feel so empty? Later, I realized I was still engaged in numbing behaviors, which caused me to completely disconnect from myself for those two years. Finally, I began to think, “I would rather be depressed again because I felt connected with myself during that time. It may not be a good connection, but it’s still a deep connection.” That’s when I started to value a deeper connection with myself but had no idea how to connect with myself.
As I felt increasingly disconnected from myself, I became increasingly unhappy with myself. This unhappiness pushed me to impulsively book a solo
trip to Yosemite National Park and sign up for a spiritual healing retreat in Mexico. These events began year 7 of my depression, which would become the best year of my life. At Yosemite, I started to feel more connected with myself. I connected with who I truly was beneath all that trauma. I loved him. The spiritual retreat in Mexico helped me completely change who I am by lifting a massive weight off of me and waking up something deep inside of me. It woke up the desire to “live my life”, which would become my mantra for life and my first tattoo. After the retreat, I felt the most incredible euphoria on this journey because I was finally free from depression. I was not. But, the thrill did stick around long enough to push me forward in traveling the world.
I spent the next ten months seeing some of the most beautiful places in the world, opening my mind to different lifestyles, and learning how to be more authentically connected with myself. I was thoroughly enjoying living my life. However, while those were the best months of my life, I can see a lot of pain- avoidance patterns I was still playing out. I was jumping from place to place, avoiding any downtime to feel pain; I was numbing myself by binging a lot of internet content (scrolling social media, Youtube Videos, etc.) and smoking excessive marijuana.
I was doing great going into the eighth year. Yet, I started feeling off because I was becoming disconnected from myself again. I tried to avoid feeling off. I failed. Like the previous 2-3 years, I did something drastic when I felt disconnected from myself. Why stop now? n April 7th, 2022 (the beginning of the 8th year of my depression), I quit my job and booked a one-way ticket to Mexico. During my time in Mexico, I attended four retreats in 5 weeks (this was not planned, it was offered naturally, and I do not recommend going that intense. I let myself get carried away).
As I went through the retreats, I started to connect more deeply with myself. With each passing day, I got deeper and deeper into healing my emotional traumas. I was no longer overthinking to numb the pain; I allowed myself to feel my suppressed emotions to heal them. I had to remind myself it’s normal to feel; I am human and have feelings. I forgave myself for all the self- criticisms. I let go of all the repressed pain from being bullied so much. The most significant healing was learning to love me a lot. I became my own best friend. By the end of Mexico, I felt I had finished my healing. I concluded the journey with a mushroom (psilocybin) ceremony to say bye to my old self and move on with life. It seemed like a poetic finish to the trip — literally and figuratively.
I felt so liberated after all that healing. So free of my traumas. Such a tremendous euphoric high that led me to start traveling again. Eventually, my travels brought me to micro-dosing psilocybin while living in a van
around Australia. Why microdose? Did I not finish my healing journey in Mexico? What brought me down this path? I got these answers halfway through the micro-dosing regimen. I learned I got called to micro-dosing because I was still running from the pain I felt during my depression, the same pain that put me on this path. With each session, I felt my avoidance of pain, numbing actions, perfectionism, and the mechanisms causing these feelings. The primary system is excessive negative feedback (ENF), making me scared to live my life. An average amount of negative feedback is healthy because it keeps you on track. However, continually having excessive negative feedback made me afraid to live life because I would rather have the pain of not living life than the pain of the ENF. I was so proud of myself for having these realizations and was ready to take a macro dose for the complete breakthrough.
My macro dose trip in Australia started pretty calm until I really started to feel the medicine. I began to speak loudly and angrily about all my frustrations over the past few years (luckily, there was no one around). Speaking out my frustrations helped me heal from being annoyed with myself for engaging in those unhealthy behaviors. As I yelled out more and more of my frustration, I started to notice my patterns. I was beginning to deeply understand why I engaged in those unhealthy behaviors in the first place. The
As I let out more and more of my frustration, I started to rationalize and deeply connect with the reasons why I engaged in those unhealthy behaviors in the first place. I did not do this in a calm way whatsoever,
The intense amount of pain, discomfort, fear, and stress (excessive negative feedback) I felt during the depression was so extreme it made me afraid ever to feel that way again. I started engaging in clever pain-avoidance mechanisms like numbing and overly perfecting, making me feel disconnected from myself. When those no longer worked, I created more intense actions to run from my pain, only for a temporary euphoric high and still numbing/perfecting. I was running in circles because I was so scared to live life due to the fear of my depression.
After becoming aware of these patterns, I proclaimed (yelled), “I am done letting fear rule my life; I am going to live my life – the good and the bad fully.”
I felt my usual sense of euphoria after being free from my depression. I was ready to dedicate this euphoria to the exciting part: New Zealand. I expected New Zealand to be the time of my life. I had spent the past year doing deep healing, splurged on a fantastic campervan, and was excited to see beautiful nature. Unfortunately, my excitement and euphoria quickly dwindled because New Zealand got its worst rainfall in a century. Rain has always made me feel particularly gloomy. It’s worse when pouring daily. It’s even worse when you’re living in a van outdoors. It’s the worst when it puts you in a dark place during what you expected to be the time of your life. Each day, I fell deeper and deeper into the dark place I had worked so hard to avoid for the past 7.5 years. The more I felt myself falling in, the more I tried to resist.
Eventually, I got tired of the constant resistance and embraced my depression. I spent a few days at an obscure point in Marlborough Sounds to connect with all the pain I felt during my depression. I started by sulking in despair, listening to sad music, and staring into the heavy rain pouring down around me. As I got deeper, I felt the chainsaw tearing my insides apart, I felt the universe hating me, trying to bring me down, I thought that I would never be happy, and most importantly, I felt all the darkness. This time I did not run from the darkness; this time I fully embraced the darkness. By the end of each day, I fully immersed myself in the darkness. I ended each day crying out all my pain while hugging myself and reminding myself I would love myself even when it felt like the universe hated me.
I wished I had allowed myself to feel this pain when I first plunged into the darkness. I wished I had not let that fear rule so much of my life. I wished I had not tried so hard to avoid pain. I wished I had stayed connected with myself. After regretting these mistakes, I reminded myself I did my best. Severe depression is debilitating; I wish people understood that; moreover, I had to understand depression’s adverse effects. I reminded myself I did the best I could, never gave up, and learned a lot of lessons along the way. I love myself.
The rain stopped the next few days, and the sun began to come out. I expected the usual pattern of being free from my depression:
I did not feel euphoric this time; I was moderately disappointed because those highs are a lot of fun. Instead, I felt different than I ever had before. I felt myself no longer running from the darkness, no longer trying to free myself from the darkness, and no longer fearing the darkness. I had truly accepted, embraced, and connected with the darkest time of my life and the darkest parts of me. I felt an inner stillness, inner acceptance, and inner peace. By embracing and accepting the darkness, I stopped fearing it. After an arduous journey, I was at peace. FINALLY.
Reflecting on my journey, I developed a love-hate relationship with my depression. It made me want to stop living and led me to live my life to the fullest. It made me feel intense sadness and led me to discover internal happiness. It made me hate every part of my being and helped me learn how to love myself. It disconnected me from all parts of myself and caused me to develop my beautiful deep connection with myself now. It shrouded me in darkness and connected me with the light deep down. Most days I am annoyed it took up so much of my life, the other days I’m happy it put me on this path to discovering myself.
My depression defined everything in my life for the past 7.8 (Yes, I did the math) long years. It energetically dominated all my intentions, behaviors, and interactions. It’s why I kept numbing, it’s why I spent so much energy perfecting, It’s why I felt disconnected from myself, and it’s why I lived an empty life. I like to believe I intentionally kept myself empty until I developed the courage and ability to embrace my demons. I could not live my life until I came to terms with myself. Before, I was running from the pain of my depression and feeling euphoria, similar to how someone feels taking heroin. Now, I accepted and embraced my depression, which allowed me to find peace, connect with myself, and, most importantly, move forward with my life.
Moving forward has its challenges. My depression became familiar, giving me a sick sense of comfort. It kept me together for so long that I only have a vague idea of who I am without my depression. However, I do know I am ready to figure myself out. I am prepared to move forward in life. I am done numbing myself from pain and trying to become perfect to avoid pain. I am incredibly excited and somewhat nervous to connect with myself in new ways fully. I am ready to fully live my life by embracing both sides – the beauty and the pain.
To all those who are currently suffering, to all those who are scared to face their pain, to all those who believe there is no hope: I want you to understand
that our suffering does not define us; we are strong enough to face our pain, we have made it this far might as well have some more faith. I want to show others there is light you can connect with, even if it is buried beneath that internal darkness. I hope to show others life does get better; that you can live your life regardless of your trauma. I love you all.
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